Why is it the things that attracted me to my partner are now driving me crazy?

gay couple guitar

Out of 50 million people during our relationship search, we end up only feeling that romantic love "buzz" and need to commit with very few. Why is that?

The truth is most people don't really understand what's attracting them to their partner in the new and romantic phase. They just know they feel safe and are convinced they've found the person who they can share a mutual love. As time goes by, little ( or not so little ) upsets can start to show up. That is normal, but it's the way we deal with those upsets that can start to replace that romantic high with a struggle. To some, it might even feel as if they were once attracted to someone who purposefully triggers them in very specific and concrete ways. It might feel as if what attracted us in the beginning, now drive us completely nuts!

So why would this happen? What's the purpose of being attracted to someone who drives us nuts?

If you can step back and look at life as a whole, and one of our journeys while here is about growing and evolving. You might begin to see how when we work toward growth, we can subconsciously try to improve ourselves through people in our lives. In our relationships, we can actually begin to grow and mature.

Ironically, we might feel the opposite like we are stuck or picked the wrong person. We might think, why did I pick someone Who can trigger me so much? Perhaps, we can't understand and accept the way they talk and act. Perhaps, we feel disappointed in them or in not being listened to in the relationship. When we "feel" we are stuck and aren't getting our needs met, we get triggered!

When we are triggered we behave very differently:

  • Some partners feel the need to follow their partner from room to room, text them all day, and can't rest till the connection is restored.
  • Some partners may withdraw, become very quiet, and not speak to their partner.
  • Some partners get loud, critical and put up a large unbreakable wall.

Hidden in all those triggered differences is the answer, the actual blueprint for individual and relational healing and growth. That person we chose originally who feels hurt by our behaviors and vice versa is actually an opportunity to heal, grow and change how we live our lives. It's an opportunity to change how we talk, act and how we behave when we are upset or our needs aren't met.

Think of the word "Image" and in Latin, it's also the word for Imago - as in Imago Relationships. We believe that people carry a picture inside of their heads of what love is supposed to look like to them. They carry that picture of what love should feel like, taste like, sound like and so forth.

The truth is, the picture is probably a very different image in real life. In fact, you might see that picture clearer if you can come to understand the opportunity to grow and evolve while here on earth. Growing and healing are triggered subconsciously by the choices we make in our partners.

Try to imagine your partner is actually holding up a mirror for you to see yourself, really see yourself for the first time in your life. That mirror is held for you to show you the unconscious ways you talk and act when you feel disappointed, not listened to and are triggered. You are also holding a mirror for your partner, so they can share in the same growth opportunities. Once you both learn to embrace the opportunity of growth, you can have the relationship of your dreams!

It's all about connecting, growing and transforming to really thrive in life and Imago Relationships can help you do that individually and as a couple.

Written by:

Evie Shafner, LMFT - Certified Imago Relationship Therapist

Imago Relationships North America
12172 South Route 47, #207
Huntley, IL 60142
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(866) 960-1550

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